Baptism Through My Zoom Lens

If you could see what I see through my zoom lens on baptism day each year, you would walk away from the pond a changed person. Here’s what I saw this past Sunday:

An army of baptizees cresting the hill in exuberant abandon, while a watching crowd cheers them on with colorful fabric waving high.

A man being laid down in the water, dying to himself and rising again as he allows Jesus to make him into a new creation.

The sweet preschool girl who tenderly placed her hand on her mommy’s face and hugged her tight in celebration.

The water witness who stood behind her daughter, with a look of pure emotion on her face.

Humble heads that bowed in awe because this gift REALLY is for them!

The high fives and jubilation of baptizees as they hugged their pastors and water witnesses.

A grandson unable to contain himself as he rushed into his grandmother’s arms.

Brothers baptized with arms intertwined.

Pastors who, over and over, figuratively (and literally!) pointed to Jesus all evening long.

Rocks, laid down and no longer used for hiding behind - or throwing at others.

The hands clasped in prayer the moment they emerged from the water, praising God for such an extravagant gift of grace.

The wife who watched her husband surrender to his Father.

The innumerable arms raised in victory, knowing they have an eternity to look forward to with Someone who adores them.

The earthly father who hoists his daughter in the air and celebrates Father’s Day knowing that their heavenly Father is pleased with His Beloved.

The trembling chin of a burly man who was Just. Trying. To. Keep. It. Together! so he didn’t burst into tears.

Husbands and wives who clung to each other.

The grown man whose lips said the words, “I’m ready” in response to his baptism time.

The tear-filled eyes of a woman who doesn’t feel alone anymore.

The baptism of the person who was one of the first links in a chain of people responsible for inviting me to a church where God finally became real and personal to me.

And the arms of a friend outstretched to the pal who is the latest link in that chain of people invited to a church where Jesus has become real and personal.

Amazing grace. Unshackled chains. Freedom in Christ, finally!

Ten

Katie,

First off, I’m going to tell you that my life is totally awesome BECAUSE YOU ARE IN IT! Ten years ago today, you came screaming into my world. I held you for the first time, and I was speechless about the magnificent daughter God had given me to raise and watch over. First and foremost, you are God’s child. He allowed me to “borrow” you from Him so I could teach you to be His disciple and follow Him. I am honored that I get to do that!

You are a source of deep joy in my life, sweet girl. You have changed immensely this past year. You have gained courage as you learned to become a leader at church. Your heart has become more tender for Jesus and helping others. You have grown smarter, more beautiful, and infinitely more kind.

Happy birthday to the sweetest 10-year-old I know. I adore you and can’t wait to see where the next 10 years will take you!

I love you! ~Mommy

Better Than Christmas

Tonight is Baptism Eve. My church baptizes believers once a year, and it is such a holy and magnificent celebration of Jesus’ redemption and restoration of our lives.  It is better than Christmas!

For the last 4+ years, my family of four has been going to church services on Saturday nights. Starting next weekend, we are going to change things up and attend on Sunday mornings at the location where I work. Tonight was a goodbye of sorts, and I have mixed emotions about leaving the building where I first began seeing Jesus in a personal light. However, any doubts I had were dashed tonight.

I looked down the row where I was sitting, and this is what I saw:

It looks like nothing spectacular, right? This is one of those instances where a picture is worth a thousand words, at least to me. The orange shirt in the foreground is my husband’s shirt. He was sitting to my left. To the left of him is a man wearing a striped shirt. In 2008, Striped Shirt and his wife invited me and Dan to that church for the first time. I started inviting another friend of mine (for 526 days, to be exact) and she and her husband finally came in 2010. In that photo, 526-Day-Husband is the man with a beard and his wife is the one with sunglasses on her head. Beside her is a woman in a pink shirt and then a man with his hand on his face. That’s a couple that 526-Day-Couple invited. And here’s the best part:

Striped Shirt and Pink Shirt will be baptized tomorrow.

Do see the links in that chain?

• Striped Shirt invited me and Dan.
• Dan and I invited 526-Day-Couple.
• 526-Day-Couple invited Pink Shirt and Hand-On-Face.

The first link in the chain will be baptized the same day as the latest* link in the chain.

Before you think I’m boasting, PLEASE hear me on this: none of this is because of our imperfect human actions. The only reason this chain has any strength is because of the saving grace given by an incredibly merciful God. He forges the links of salvation heart by heart, and soul to soul.

When I looked down this row tonight, I saw walking miracles and tangible proof of a magnificent Love. God winked at me and reminded me that any future step I take is guided by His hands alone. Thank you for the personal way You love us, God!

*Notice I didn’t say “last” link in the chain, because Pink Shirt is only one of countless many in a chain that will go on for God knows how long!

Knowing His Breath

A few weeks ago, there was a prayer gathering held for a friend of ours before her surgery for a double mastectomy. It happened at church after the Saturday night service we usually attend. A few close friends and members of our prayer team gathered to lay hands on this friend and pray – out loud – for her and her family.

Dan was serving in another area when we first started, but he arrived at the prayer group just as we bowed our heads, laid our hands on her, and closed our eyes. Dan was across the huddle from me when I last saw him before I closed my eyes. Sometimes at prayer groups like this, there are too many people and we can’t all touch the person being prayed for (would that person be called the prayee?). My eyes were closed when I felt a hand land on my shoulder. I figured it was one of the pastors beside me so I didn’t look up. And then, I heard it: a breath.

After one breath in and one breath out, I knew without a doubt that the hand on my shoulder didn’t belong to the pastor: it was my husband’s. I knew this – not because of the way his hand felt – but because of the way his breath sounded in my ears. I know the rhythm of my husband’s breath as well as I know my own.

In the midst of praying for my friend, two revelations hit me:

First: how beautiful it felt, after many years of separation in our faith, to be praying in public with my husband. He is a Christ-follower now, and I still never tire of the surprise and joy that brings me on a daily basis.

Second: have I spent enough time intimately connected to God that I could tell His presence in my life simply from His breath surrounding me? I want to be so deeply connected to my Father that I can sense Him near me just by the way the air moves when He stirs it.

Breathe on me, breath of God, breathe on me
Breathe on me, breath of God, breathe on me
I come alive, I’m alive when you breathe on me
I come alive, I’m alive when you breathe on me
Awake, awake, awake my soul,
God resurrect these bones
From death to life, for you alone
Awake my soul

(Chris Tomlin, “Awake My Soul”)

April 2013 Review

Grandma gave Dan his childhood trumpet, and the kids took immense pleasure in tooting it.

Maybe one day Katie or Jackson will actually play Dan’s trumpet for real. That would be really cool.

One of my best friends had a birthday party for her son, and Jackson and I crashed it. Gina had fantastic games and such creative ideas. Sometimes I watch her when she’s on her game (as a mommy and also as a star volunteer at our church), and I am incredibly grateful that God makes people who love kids. The thought of devising and making all those games for my son’s birthday party hurts my head!

We rotated lots of furniture throughout our house in April. I blame it on Santa for bringing a Wii to our house at Christmas! We upgraded TVs, which meant rearranging furniture and being creative with our living space. This desk I used in our craft room/dining room went to Katie’s room, and I inherited the old TV armoire as my new desk. Katie is thrilled with her new desk, and I like mine too!

One of the kindest compliments I’ve ever received is when my friend Laura hired me to give her son photography lessons. It was an Advent-Conspiracy-type birthday gift for him – a gift of presence and not stuff. It took us months to find a date that would work for our schedules, but Max and I finally met up at the local butterfly house and talked cameras for 2 hours. It was FUUUUUN! (Yes, I am a photography geek!)

And this photo represents one of the most extravagant gifts I’ve ever been given: cooking lessons from my friend Joe. (Here’s one of the other most extravagant!) His family is on a special diet because of food allergies, and I was bemoaning the fact that I can’t eat any “good” food anymore. He invited me to his house, where he showed me the contents of his entire pantry. He handed me a hand-written recipe book of all the meals he has developed for his family. Next, we drove to TWO nearby grocery stores and found ingredients for dishes that would taste good AND be safe for my gluten/corn/dairy-free dietary needs. The kicker? Joe wouldn’t let me pay for the groceries. Then he spent three hours of his own time showing me how to cook each of these meals, then sent me home with ALL the meals to fill my refrigerator. When I got in the car and left his house, I cried all the way home. It unravels me to think that my friend would give me such a generous, unselfish gift.

Jackson decided to make a Summer To Do list. He wants to go swimming, sleep in the tent, have a sleep over, fishing with his Poppy and cousin Adam, have his babysitter Genevieve over, play sports, do karate (caroty! ha!), throw the baseball with Daddy, see his cousins Hannah and Peyton, fireworks, and bugs.

This photo shows Jackson and our neighbor friend Charlie. I really really love this photo and how happy they look together.

Jackson spent the $10 Walmart gift card that Mama Lucy and Papa John sent for his birthday. I told him he could buy goldfish, so he combined a little other money and bought five of them PLUS a fishbowl and accessories. A day later, one fish died. Two days later, another fish died. By May, only one fish remained. It’s not looking good for him either!

Katie hit a BIG milestone in April. In her school, 4th and 5th graders can earn responsibility lanyards if they have good behavior. She has been trying all year to earn one, but has been a little too *social* so far. But, finally, she came home one day and gave me the news: she got a lanyard! We jumped and hollered, and had a special dinner that night to celebrate too. It was a big day!

Katie got the spring cleaning bug. We were cleaning the house for visitors, and she was working on cleaning the guest bathroom. Next thing I know, she had moved to the laundry room and started organizing it as well. The entire room was dismantled and reorganized by the time she was done. Oh, how I LOVE that girl!

Dan and I got bit by the organizing bug too. We spent a good 4 hours in our basement, cleaning piles we have slowly accumulated over the last year. We took two carloads to the trash and to donate. It felt SO good to do that!

Father’s Day – and Mother’s Day! – came a bit early in our house. I was planning to buy Dan this hand blender he’d been wanting for a while, and then he came home from Costco with it one day. Stinker!  A few days later, I was putting something in the trunk of his car and he scoffed at me and said, “Oh, no. You found it!” I had no idea what he was talking about, until he pointed to the blender I’d put on my wish list. The funny thing is I wouldn’t have seen it if he hadn’t pointed it out! I’m oblivious sometimes, y’all!

JesUs

I had a great morning with a friend the other day. We talked and shopped and talked some more. Afterwards, I came home and started day one of a new devotional called Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only by Beth Moore. (This book is part of my intentional efforts to “hire” a new Everybody Committee, which I wrote about here.)

Here’s an excerpt from the devotion for that day:

Then came my favorite line of all: “You are to give him the name Jesus” (v. 31). Do you realize this was the first proclamation of our Savior’s personal name since the beginning of time? Jesus. The very name at which every knee will one day bow. The very name that every tongue will one day confess. A name that has no parallel in my vocabulary or yours. A name I whispered into the ears of my infant daughters as I rocked them and sang lullabies of His love. A name by which I’ve made every single prayerful petition of my life. A name that has meant my absolute salvation, not only from eternal destruction, but from myself. A name with power like no other name. Jesus. What a beautiful name. I love to watch how it falls of the lips of those who love Him. I shudder as it falls off the lips of those who don’t. Jesus. It has been the  most important and most consistent word in my life. Dearer today than yesterday. Inexpressibly precious to me personally, so I am at a loss to comprehend what the name means universally.

That directly mirrored a beautiful part of the conversation I just had with my friend that morning. Here’s what I wrote in the devotional that day:

Jesus,

Today, I had a conversation with my friend about how people say Your name: either “Jes-us” or “Jes-is.” My friend has noticed that those who walk closely with You are more likely to say “Jes-us".” I’ve noticed the same thing with other Christ followers too. I told her maybe because the followers are more focused on the “U” part instead of the “I” part. She said maybe it’s a supernatural way that you have subtly changed our lives. Even the tiny nuances are transformed! I pray you help me focus on the “U” and not the “I.”

Amen.

How do you say His name? Do you focus on the “U” or the “I”?

My Everybody Committee

A few months ago, I read an article that took hold of me and just won’t let go. Here’s a link to it, in case you want to read it before moving along in this post. I’m going to sum it up here too.

It starts with this premise: what others think of me is none of my business. That’s so true in theory, and yet it has been incredibly hard for me to put that into practice in my 39 years of life. The author, Martha Beck, talks about how we each have a “generalized other” inside of us that judges the way we live our lives. Some GOs are empathetic and supportive, some are nagging fishwives who “tsk-tsk” our every moves. (Oh, is that just me? Oops.) Throughout our lives, our GOs have been formed through comments and interactions that we deemed important enough to sear into our brains: comments and interactions from the most judgmental people we’ve known. These people have formed what Beck calls our Everybody Committee. They’re the people you refer to when you mutter inside your head, “Oh, I couldn’t do that… everybody would think I’m a nut job.” Or maybe it’s, “I’m not smart enough to write a book. Everybody would know I made it up and poke holes in it.” (Oh, is that just me, again?! Oops!) We have given voice to this Committee by engraving small, jabbing comments on to our hearts throughout our lives. As Beck says,

“Most of us assemble our Everybody Committees haphazardly, especially during childhood. We tend to give the best seats to the cruelest people—people who hurt our feelings and undermine our dreams. To avoid attacks from these pernicious trolls, we obsess about living up to their standards. This is a terrible way to live.”

I have an Everybody Committee, and they have been having a heyday inside my head for the last few weeks. In fact, it’s been longer than that! They’ve just been in an especially big tizzy lately. Call it insecurity or indecision, but I just hear their loud “tsk-tsks” a little too often these days.

So it’s time to appoint a new Committee. In the article, Beck lists some steps that help with this. First I have to pinpoint those on my Committee who have been stirring the pot. And to me, that means not everyone on my Committee has been hateful. There may be one or two who are standing their ground and refusing to go along with the insurgents. I think this is true for me, and I want those allies to stay. But the others MUST GO! Here’s a sampling of my lay-offs:

• The seventh grade boy who called me Long Butt Dong (refer to the movie Sixteen Candles)? FIRED!
• The relatives who snidely remark about my “Christian friends” and turn their noses up about my faith? FIRED!
• The former friend who lied to me and then got mad when I put up boundaries to protect my heart? FIRED!
• The friend who made me feel like an afterthought and ditched me for others who were less Christian-y, or the two friends who labeled me “exhausting” and “demanding” in high school and college? FIRED!
• The mom who makes me feel like a bad parent when she cocks an eyebrow at me and gives me the hairy eyeball when my kids are tantruming in the store? FIRED!
• Even my brother who used to call me Lard A** when we were kids? FIRED!

I’m loyal – to a fault – but y’all are gonna have to go. You’re  just no good for me.

The second step in this is to choose a “compassionate other” to chair my new committee. I think this step lasers in on a specific person, instead of the “generalized” portion of the “generalized others” I mentioned above. My new committee chairman will be the same chairMan I had on my old committee. The problem is I didn’t place supportive people under Him, which undermined His authority and left Him weaponless. It’s no surprise (at least it shouldn’t be!) that God is chairMan of my committee. Technically, He’s the chairMen of my committee, since He’s three-in-one of the Father, Son and Spirit. Beck says my committee chair should be someone who loves me “absolutely unconditionally.” I’d say dying for all my mistakes is pretty absolute and unconditional.

The third step is to use “snowball sampling” to fill the remaining spots on my committee. This is the process of selecting “like-minded souls” who will erase the generalized others by becoming specified supporters in my life. I don’t want a team of Yes Men who will simply agree to whatever hair-brained scheme I’m cooking up. That’s what happens when you live life from your pride instead of your humility. I want a team of people who will encourage good in my life and also challenge me to think in new ways – while (gently!) pointing out areas I can change and grow from. These are the people who do NOT (even jokingly) call my church a cult. And the ones who do NOT bring up the stupid mistake I made in college, even if they are trying to bring it up to show me (or others) how long we’ve been friends. The new committee is full of people who see my passion and know me personally, the ones who can call out greatness in others (not only me) without needing something in return, the ones who have seen me struggle and felt the pain of that – not the people who did a mental high-five to see me fall on my face.

The last part is what will be most crucial for me: connect with the new committee every day for 90 days. Beck says to spend time every day reading, talking with, Facebooking my new committee so I can re-map my brain into seeing goodness in my life. To me, this doesn’t mean just filling my brain with positive! funny! and! encouraging! anecdotes! That would be like going on a diet of straight chocolate cake for 90 days. (Sounds tempting, but would feel pretty empty after the first 3 days.) No candy-coated truisms for me. My plan is to actively seek out encouragement and reprogram my brain with it. Here’s how:

• As embarrassing as my independent cool-self thinks this is, I am reaching out to people and telling them I am needy and asking them to help encourage me. (If you’re reading this, you are probably one of those people I need to hear from, so what are you waiting for?!)
• I started reading a Beth Moore booked called Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only. It’s been sitting on my shelf for at least a year, and I always felt I didn’t have time to commit to it. But the 90 days part screamed at me when I decided to embark on overhauling my Committee, so I started reading it 3 days ago. I’ve already spent 2 of those 3 days in a puddly mess as I open up to my ChairMen and have truth poured in to me.
• My friend DeAnne blogged about her Smash Book a while back, and I was inspired and bought a starter kit (got mine for about $9 with coupons!). But I haven’t even touched it because I’m intimidated by it. And then about 2 weeks ago, the thought hit me: I need to use my Smash Book to chronicle the God moments in my life. I started taking iPhone photos of moments when I know God is speaking to me, and I’ll be adding them to my book. I’m still undecided whether to call my book “Ebenezers” (1 Samuel 7:12-14 ~ “He named it ‘Ebenezer’ [Rock of Help], saying, ‘This marks the place where God helped us.’”) or to call it “Matzevah” (which means “monument” and “to guard or bear witness” in Hebrew, and is used in Genesis 35:14 ~ “Jacob set up a stone pillar to mark the place where God had spoken to him.”) [Kristen, we need to discuss this!]
• I tied a scrap of fabric around my wrist and I’ll be wearing it for 90 days as a visual reminder to make new recordings in my head that tell me who I am, not who others think I am.

If you are also hearing your Everybody Committee a little too loudly these days, maybe it’s time to do some spring cleaning too. Let me know if you decide to do this, and I’d be happy to pour some encouragement your way. Hopefully I can give myself some grace and pour some encouragement my way too.

Here’s the kicker of it all: before I published this post, I went back to proofread it. I wanted to make sure nothing I wrote was offensive. Or bothersome. Or pushy. And then I realized I’m listening to my old committee by doing that. Proofreading is okay; diluting my meaning because I’m afraid what they will say is NOT. That’s the difference between a conscience and a committee: I don’t want to offend, but I also want to be honest and true to myself. I will no longer acquiesce to my committee and listen to what they tell me. I’m not going to silence myself to make any of you feel more comfortable. I will listen to my conscience and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Innocence and Solid Faith

I was driving today and Katie asked, “Mommy, why are all the flags halfway down the poles?” (President Obama ordered all U.S. flags at half staff April 16-20 to honor the victims of the Boston Marathon bombings.)

Her question took me off guard because I had not yet considered telling my kids about the bombings. So I gingerly explained to her, “Some bad things happened in our country a few days ago.” She responded, “Oh, yeah, in Texas and in Boston.”

Surprised that she knew about the news, I asked her “What do you know about Texas and Boston?” She said, “There was a fire [in West, TX] and also something in Boston.”

I said, “Yes, that’s right. There was a big fire in Texas, and in Boston there was something very sad.” I explained to her and Jackson what the Boston Marathon is, and how it’s an elite race and lots of people go to watch it. I explained how someone wanted to hurt people and they put two bombs at the finish line. We talked about how people were hurt and even killed. I told them one of the people who died was a kid. They were shocked and said, “I bet their family misses that boy and will miss him forever.” Jackson then said, “If I died, you would miss me too.” I assured him we would and tried to push the thought of that out of my head.

Tonight, one of the bombing suspects was killed and the other was captured. At Katie’s bedtime, I told her the police caught the bomber. She was relieved. I said, “Yes, it’s good news. They caught the man who hurt those people.”

And then my heart caught in my throat when she said, “God still loves him too.” She said it so assuredly and confidently.

I responded, “Yes. Not very many people are happy with him, but you’re right: God still loves him.”

She said, “I doubted he is a follower of Jesus.” I said, “No, I don’t think so.” And she finished with, “When you follow Jesus you don’t hurt people like that.”

Oh, my heart! This sweet girl of mine has such innocence, and also such faith in her Father who loves ALL of us: those who try to follow Him, and even those who bomb and hurt and kill. At age nine, she grasps the idea that God loves us in spite of our evil and sinfulness. She doesn’t hesitate in that knowledge; it is as natural and second-nature to her as breathing.

God, please protect my daughter’s reflexive love for You. Continue to cultivate her heart. One day her innocence will fall away, and I pray that you build a strong foundation in her heart so she will rely on Your strength even – and especially – then. Amen.

A Girl’s Room

I step into Katie’s room, and it takes me back to my own bedroom. (Maybe it’s because 75% of her bedroom furniture used to be mine!) I love seeing the things she treasures, and all the collections she has gathered. I thought about photos of my childhood bedroom, and realized I should take some of Katie’s. I want to capture this moment in my daughter’s life.

There’s a large cabinet that was in my bedroom for as long as I can remember.

There are glass doors on it, and Katie keeps her favorite items inside of it. Here’s a closer view:

She has a Squinky collection, a rock collection, a bobble head collection, a jewelry box, and countless other containers and doodads in her cabinet.

Katie has turned one corner of her room into a little reading nook. She has a bookshelf with a bean bag in front of it. She keeps magazines, favorite books, and even some of Jackson’s books there for when she grants him permission to hang out in her sacred space.

Katie’s bed is a daybed my parents bought for me when I was in 7th grade. It was kept at our family lake house, along with one identical daybed that my sister now owns. One thing Katie is really good at is keeping her room neat, and she almost always makes her bed each morning after she wakes. I love that about her! I also love how she has a specific spot for each of her stuffed animals. She knows them and loves each of them deeply. I remember when my life was like that.

Home sweet home for my sweet little girl!

J + J = Forever Friends

Twice a year, our kids ministry has a special event called “ABC Weekend.” It’s when our class teachers have a specific lesson about asking Jesus to be your Forever Friend. “A” is for Ask. “B” is for Believe. “C” is for Choose (choosing to follow Jesus for the rest of your life.)

The leaders invite the parents to attend class with their kids so that if their child decides to make Jesus their Forever Friend, the parent can pray with the child and share the momentous occasion. I got to attend class with Jackson last night, and it was fun just to be in class and see what the kids learn and do. There was climbing time.

And worship time.

And then time for the large group lesson. Jackson sat on our friend’s lap (instead of mine! Humph!) and was enamored with a sand art video they showed to illustrate Jesus’ death.

We had small group time then, and the kids each made a bracelet with colored beads that signify the salvation story.

After making bracelets, I pulled Jackson aside and asked him to sit on my lap. I asked him what the ABCs stand for, and he could only remember the “C.” I reminded him what it means to be Forever Friends with Jesus, and was in mid-sentence explaining it when he scrunched his eyes up tight and plugged his ears with his fingers. My first thought was he was trying to ignore me and didn’t want to hear what I had to say. After about 6-7 seconds, he opened his eyes. Then he told me: “I closed my eyes and my ears and asked Jesus to be my Forever Friend.”

My response: “And what did He say?”

Jackson: “He said yes! Jesus would  never say no.”

It wasn’t quite the holy moment I had envisioned in Mommy World; I didn’t get a glowing, ethereal light while we bowed our heads and entwined our hands to ask Jesus to forgive Jackson’s sins and cover them with His grace. Nope! But what I got was this: a totally “Jackson” way of going to the foot of the cross. Jackson is an independent little boy, so it makes sense that he would invite Jesus into his heart personally and silently – on his own terms and with the same kind of natural hopefulness he uses to ask for extra cuddle time at bedtime.

Simple. Succinct. Personal and profound.

Thank You for reaching my son, Jesus! Amen!